Forgiveness = Action

I have discovered that I am not a very good writer, and an even worse blogger. I constantly have all of these different thoughts and feelings rolling around in my head but I am never quite sure how to put them down on paper in a way that makes sense to anyone but me. It is sort of silly because I have kept a journal for as long as I can remember but the difference between knowing that I am the only person reading this journal and the possibility of someone else reading my thoughts adds a new element and removes me from my innocuous comfort zone. Suddenly, I feel the pressure to “perform” before other’s eyes versus simply writing for my own sake.

The other problem that I face is that I have spent so much time in school; it has ruined my ability to just write for the fun of it. The second that I begin typing I find myself drawn toward immediately making my point and then somehow backing it up with evidence or research. I wonder if school and a constant barrage of research papers have ruined me forever.

Anyway, when I started this blog, I had a friend tell me that it was a great way to “get stuff out so it's not clouding up brain space” and as of late I have realized how incredibly wise this comment she made was. Therefore, this is me opening my mind and my heart, getting it all out (or “un-clouding” my brain space if you will). Some of the things that I think or feel might not always be kosher, but in an effort to keep myself from going crazy thinking about them constantly, I have decided to just get them out and share them (even if I am the only person who ever reads them).

Along the lines of things that I have discovered about myself, I have become conscious of the fact that as much as I try to forgive those who I perceive to have wronged me, I think that I have been going about the business of forgiveness all wrong. I have seen forgiveness as something which is necessary in order for me to move past different situations and to keep from holding on to bitterness. However, I’ve never fully grasped the full meaning of this as something which my heart can relate to, instead it is simply something which I know that I am supposed to do versus being something which I have wanted to do.

I’ve heard many pastor’s cite the saying that “non-forgiveness does nothing to the other party. When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

With that in mind, recently, I was doing an assignment for school and as part of the assignment I watched a documentary on different acts of gun violence and the people who had committed shootings in public areas and taken many victims.

First of all, I felt such despair that there are apparently so many people in our society who feel such aggression that they would attack and kill those around them for seemingly no reason at all. I was discouraged by the thought that there are those around me who think that their despair is worth the life of another, think about it, many of us feel despair or sadness and never choose to commit these kinds of atrocities, right?

Anyway, one of the stories was inspiring to me despite the tragedy which had taken place. In 2006, a man decided to take over a one room Amish school house. During the short time that he had with the children, he shot and killed five people including him. This is heartbreaking; however, the stirring part of the story was the ending. After the shooting, the Amish community was sent nearly four million dollars to rebuild their school, pay medical expenses etc. The community chose to use part of this money to begin a fund for the deceased shooter’s wife and child. The thought behind the communities’ action was that they wanted to “forgive first” and then deal with their grief over the ordeal later.

What a challenge for me to think about the reality of forgiving first. Not just saying, “oh yeah, I’m working on forgiving” but to make a bold statement which says “this is the direction my spirit is going, I will start with forgiving and my head and my heart will follow my action.”

In the last couple of years, I have spent so much time grieving over the hurts which have been caused to my heart, wanting to forgive these hurts but not really knowing how, I admittedly have become so wrapped up in my grief and attempting to understand why others choose to be hurtful. In this sense, I had forgotten that God’s heart cries out for me to forgive those hurts instead of keeping a record of the wrong. Therefore, when my husband and I were recently given the opportunity to let go of our grief and surrender to humbleness and forgiveness, we hesitantly jumped aboard.

It turned out to be a journey which we could not continue without the help of another person and fortunately, that person also chose to grab our hands and help us along on the voyage. It was interesting and I learned a lot. First of all, it isn’t always about my happiness but instead, about being willing to die to myself and embrace the importance of making others happy. When I stopped looking toward myself and adopted the idea of someone else’s delight, the whole scenario became so much easier. In fact, I found myself becoming giddy over the idea of spending time with someone whom I might have otherwise avoided.

Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t like all of my previous feelings have gone away and I have even since struggled over others responses toward me, however, I am also willing to recognize that I cannot control others responses to me, I can only control my response to others. If I let my lack of forgiveness define me, eventually my perceived perpetrator and my ultimate adversary wins. Why would I choose to bind myself to someone whom I might identify to have done me harm? Realistically and spiritually, this doesn’t make any sense.

So I don’t mean to be mushy and lacking significance, this has been a hard process and I find myself still struggling through it, but this is me…this is where I am at right now. I realize that life isn’t full of bunnies and daisies however, I think that we can eventually change so much in our lives if we are willing to change our perspectives and our convictions. My conviction is to forgive, not to allow people to walk all over me or to forget about wisdom as I choose who I should or should not allow myself to be around, but choosing to take action toward my own forgiveness versus waiting for the “feeling” of forgiveness to come walking through the door. This is my new direction.

Thank you Father for choosing to forgive me; when I do not deserve. Thank you for molding my heart toward the image of your heart. I look forward to your continued leading and direction as I begin to forgive others in the same way which I want to be forgiven.

THIS IS IT

Tonight my husband and I saw a movie titled THIS IS IT and upon leaving the theatre I turned to my husband and said “I’m going to go home and start a blog.”
The movie was a documentary consisting of footage from Jackson’s rehearsals as he prepared for his final upcoming concerts in London. Those of you, who know me well, know that I am a huge fan of Michael Jackson as an artist. I love his music all the way from the time of the Jackson 5, up to the more current day. Therefore, I was super excited to go see this documentary.
Originally, the footage used to make this move was intended only for Jackson’s personal use; however, due to his death the documentary was made for public consumption.
Jackson had worked feverishly throughout the footage shot to make sure that every note was right on key, that every shining sequin on every costume was just so; he was so deliberate in his movements and the intonations of his voice. The props and the set were larger than life; the concert would have been absolutely mesmerizing.
Now, it might seem odd that I would suddenly feel impassioned after seeing a movie about Michael Jackson but love him or hate him, he was a man who mastered his craft and as we drove home, I began to think, what would my life be like if I chose to live more deliberately, more eloquently, and more ardently?
During the movie, Jackson said over and over again that his upcoming concert was “all for love…L-O-V-E.” However, this love that he referred to was a human love, a run of the mill kind of love.
The love of God is different; it is unselfish and all encompassing. In fact, isn’t it true that God gave his son for us because he loved us so much; all he asked was that we would believe in him? "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).
I have to ask myself, what have I done today to appreciate a gift of this magnitude? At the very least, couldn’t I run passionately toward my father, my creator? What would it be like if I chose to be absolutely mesmerized by Jesus, if I chose to move deliberately toward him and with him instead of being a humdrum Christian, if I became a “master” of my chosen craft? What if I chose to be a diligent seeker of Christ versus a casual looker? Someone once said, “I want to lean so hard on Jesus that when he moves, I will fall down!”
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with your entire mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:29-31)
The other day I read that “…dreamers are dangerous men because they see the future and then fulfill it…” I see a world that is wrecked with individuals who are dying, children who are starving, and young girls who are being prostituted – what would happen if each one of us chose one thing to be passionate about and became the master of that one thing?
What if each one of us chose one thing we would like to see changed in our world and then fulfilled it, what would our world look like then?
When Michael Jackson died, the world went into mourning. People who had never met him fell to their knees and cried because his music, dance, and humanitarian acts had made such an impact on the world – he had truly mastered his craft. As I said earlier, some may not be inclined toward Michael Jackson and that is fine, however, I have to wonder, if I died tomorrow – what would I have accomplished for Jesus and what would I be remembered for?