Forgiveness = Action

I have discovered that I am not a very good writer, and an even worse blogger. I constantly have all of these different thoughts and feelings rolling around in my head but I am never quite sure how to put them down on paper in a way that makes sense to anyone but me. It is sort of silly because I have kept a journal for as long as I can remember but the difference between knowing that I am the only person reading this journal and the possibility of someone else reading my thoughts adds a new element and removes me from my innocuous comfort zone. Suddenly, I feel the pressure to “perform” before other’s eyes versus simply writing for my own sake.

The other problem that I face is that I have spent so much time in school; it has ruined my ability to just write for the fun of it. The second that I begin typing I find myself drawn toward immediately making my point and then somehow backing it up with evidence or research. I wonder if school and a constant barrage of research papers have ruined me forever.

Anyway, when I started this blog, I had a friend tell me that it was a great way to “get stuff out so it's not clouding up brain space” and as of late I have realized how incredibly wise this comment she made was. Therefore, this is me opening my mind and my heart, getting it all out (or “un-clouding” my brain space if you will). Some of the things that I think or feel might not always be kosher, but in an effort to keep myself from going crazy thinking about them constantly, I have decided to just get them out and share them (even if I am the only person who ever reads them).

Along the lines of things that I have discovered about myself, I have become conscious of the fact that as much as I try to forgive those who I perceive to have wronged me, I think that I have been going about the business of forgiveness all wrong. I have seen forgiveness as something which is necessary in order for me to move past different situations and to keep from holding on to bitterness. However, I’ve never fully grasped the full meaning of this as something which my heart can relate to, instead it is simply something which I know that I am supposed to do versus being something which I have wanted to do.

I’ve heard many pastor’s cite the saying that “non-forgiveness does nothing to the other party. When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

With that in mind, recently, I was doing an assignment for school and as part of the assignment I watched a documentary on different acts of gun violence and the people who had committed shootings in public areas and taken many victims.

First of all, I felt such despair that there are apparently so many people in our society who feel such aggression that they would attack and kill those around them for seemingly no reason at all. I was discouraged by the thought that there are those around me who think that their despair is worth the life of another, think about it, many of us feel despair or sadness and never choose to commit these kinds of atrocities, right?

Anyway, one of the stories was inspiring to me despite the tragedy which had taken place. In 2006, a man decided to take over a one room Amish school house. During the short time that he had with the children, he shot and killed five people including him. This is heartbreaking; however, the stirring part of the story was the ending. After the shooting, the Amish community was sent nearly four million dollars to rebuild their school, pay medical expenses etc. The community chose to use part of this money to begin a fund for the deceased shooter’s wife and child. The thought behind the communities’ action was that they wanted to “forgive first” and then deal with their grief over the ordeal later.

What a challenge for me to think about the reality of forgiving first. Not just saying, “oh yeah, I’m working on forgiving” but to make a bold statement which says “this is the direction my spirit is going, I will start with forgiving and my head and my heart will follow my action.”

In the last couple of years, I have spent so much time grieving over the hurts which have been caused to my heart, wanting to forgive these hurts but not really knowing how, I admittedly have become so wrapped up in my grief and attempting to understand why others choose to be hurtful. In this sense, I had forgotten that God’s heart cries out for me to forgive those hurts instead of keeping a record of the wrong. Therefore, when my husband and I were recently given the opportunity to let go of our grief and surrender to humbleness and forgiveness, we hesitantly jumped aboard.

It turned out to be a journey which we could not continue without the help of another person and fortunately, that person also chose to grab our hands and help us along on the voyage. It was interesting and I learned a lot. First of all, it isn’t always about my happiness but instead, about being willing to die to myself and embrace the importance of making others happy. When I stopped looking toward myself and adopted the idea of someone else’s delight, the whole scenario became so much easier. In fact, I found myself becoming giddy over the idea of spending time with someone whom I might have otherwise avoided.

Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t like all of my previous feelings have gone away and I have even since struggled over others responses toward me, however, I am also willing to recognize that I cannot control others responses to me, I can only control my response to others. If I let my lack of forgiveness define me, eventually my perceived perpetrator and my ultimate adversary wins. Why would I choose to bind myself to someone whom I might identify to have done me harm? Realistically and spiritually, this doesn’t make any sense.

So I don’t mean to be mushy and lacking significance, this has been a hard process and I find myself still struggling through it, but this is me…this is where I am at right now. I realize that life isn’t full of bunnies and daisies however, I think that we can eventually change so much in our lives if we are willing to change our perspectives and our convictions. My conviction is to forgive, not to allow people to walk all over me or to forget about wisdom as I choose who I should or should not allow myself to be around, but choosing to take action toward my own forgiveness versus waiting for the “feeling” of forgiveness to come walking through the door. This is my new direction.

Thank you Father for choosing to forgive me; when I do not deserve. Thank you for molding my heart toward the image of your heart. I look forward to your continued leading and direction as I begin to forgive others in the same way which I want to be forgiven.